I guess that mantra leads to calmness and therefore a happy being. That mantra says it all. That mantra is so hard.
Or at least for me it is.
You know, even though I’m quite the creative girl I really do love having a plan. Creating a roadmap and sticking to it. Writing a list in pretty typo. Following through my clever steps one after another. Doing that tick gives me a kick, y’a know what I’m saying? 😉
All in all, I really like having a plan. Yes, as pathetic as it may be, it comforts me. I like feeling safe – does that make me weak? Does it make me un-fun? I truly don’t know. Does it make me unhappy? In the long run, paired with my natural stubbornness and ambition, it sure does.
Up to this point of my life I had it all figured out. Yes, all in rough sketches, but I had that. But from december on there is a total blank. New land. Exciting! So why the heck am I most of the time only afraid?
I have absolutely zero clue on what I’m gonna do for a living, where I’m gonna live and where the road will lead me. Man, I think what I’m most afraid of is if I can be sure that there even IS a road?!
My already prolonged internship will be over in december and my study-plans didn’t work out (yay waiting list!). My apartment-deal will probably be over and I simply don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life for the rest of my life (I know that sounds oh-so-dramatic, but I’m being honest here!)
I’m really trying to trust though. To trust that there is a path laid out for me, that opportunities will present themselves and that I won’t be too stupid to realise and take them. I’m trying to be less afraid that I’ll mess things up. I really fight to be fearless and just live by the breath. I want to live for the sake of living. I want to be able to earn enough to have a life where I can spend time with my people and not have to worry about the rent and food not being paid. I want a job where I don’t just do my duty but thrive. I want my work to be challenging and I want it to mean something.
But most of all I just wanna stop worrying so much and live right now. I want to trust the timing of my life. I want to appreciate what I have and who I know right now. I don’t wanna let it all pass me by while being anxious about the future.
I have to trust that I am getting there. Not the “Wow, she really achieved something”-there, but that state of mind. I wanna stop defining myself by counting my failures against my scores. I want to just be. And I am! I think I am.
Btw, my anxiety/heartrace-attacks have completely stopped. I work fewer hours now and my work environment changed a bit – I actually like being at work and am happy there. I am completely different at work than I was a couple of months ago.
I started working out in a fitness-studio for real (couldn’t afford the yoga cuz of the fewer hours aka money) and am now training 3-4 times a week. I love realising how my strength and endurance is improving. I love the way it makes my head feel. I like feeling connected to my body, not only imprisoned by my own mind.
So here’s to living. Here’s to finding where you need to be is exactly where you are. Here’s to trusting that you’ll never get lost. Here’s to giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Here’s to trusting the timing of your life!