“Trust the timing of your life”

I guess that mantra leads to calmness and therefore a happy being. That mantra says it all. That mantra is so hard.

 

Or at least for me it is.

You know, even though I’m quite the creative girl I really do love having a plan. Creating a roadmap and sticking to it. Writing a list in pretty typo. Following through my clever steps one after another. Doing that tick gives me a kick, y’a know what I’m saying? 😉

All in all, I really like having a plan. Yes, as pathetic as it may be, it comforts me. I like feeling safe – does that make me weak? Does it make me un-fun? I truly don’t know. Does it make me unhappy? In the long run, paired with my natural stubbornness and ambition, it sure does. 

Up to this point of my life I had it all figured out. Yes, all in rough sketches, but I had that. But from december on there is a total blank. New land. Exciting! So why the heck am I most of the time only afraid? 

I have absolutely zero clue on what I’m gonna do for a living, where I’m gonna live and where the road will lead me. Man, I think what I’m most afraid of is if I can be sure that there even IS a road?!

 

My already prolonged internship will be over in december and my study-plans didn’t work out (yay waiting list!). My apartment-deal will probably be over and I simply don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life for the rest of my life (I know that sounds oh-so-dramatic, but I’m being honest here!)

I’m really trying to trust though. To trust that there is a path laid out for me, that opportunities will present themselves and that I won’t be too stupid to realise and take them. I’m trying to be less afraid that I’ll mess things up. I really fight to be fearless and just live by the breath. I want to live for the sake of living. I want to be able to earn enough to have a life where I can spend time with my people and not have to worry about the rent and food not being paid. I want a job where I don’t just do my duty but thrive. I want my work to be challenging and I want it to mean something.

 

But most of all I just wanna stop worrying so much and live right now. I want to trust the timing of my life. I want to appreciate what I have and who I know right now. I don’t wanna let it all pass me by while being anxious about the future. 

 

I have to trust that I am getting there. Not the “Wow, she really achieved something”-there, but that state of mind. I wanna stop defining myself by counting my failures against my scores. I want to just be. And I am! I think I am.

Btw, my anxiety/heartrace-attacks have completely stopped. I work fewer hours now and my work environment changed a bit – I actually like being at work and am happy there. I am completely different at work than I was a couple of months ago.

 

I started working out in a fitness-studio for real (couldn’t afford the yoga cuz of the fewer hours aka money) and am now training 3-4 times a week. I love realising how my strength and endurance is improving. I love the way it makes my head feel. I like feeling connected to my body, not only imprisoned by my own mind. 

 

So here’s to living. Here’s to finding where you need to be is exactly where you are. Here’s to trusting that you’ll never get lost. Here’s to giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Here’s to trusting the timing of your life!

 

Namasté,

S.

 

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21

hello blogosphere!

it’s been a while (again), but here I am!

i won’t even start to apologise for not being here lately..there’s just too much stuff on my plate like…all.the.time!

i’m talking bachelor thesis in progress (gotta hand it in on November 1!! ), project work for every freaking class every freaking day and besides that a lot of organizing and document-stuff to get ready for my internship in January. yup, you read that correctly- i got a great internship! i’m soooo happy and relieved about it and very excited for that new chapter! the internship is in Vienna, meaning that with the dive into the real working world also comes a change of location: i’m moving to Vienna! oh me oh my…you can imagine my excitement-level!

i got incredibly lucky with finding an apartment that is awesome, both location- and expense-wise! my dad actually found the place and next saturday i will see it for the first time- but if it has the “Dad-Approved“-stamp I’m definitely good to go! 😀

so yeah, you see there’s not too much time for doing anything besides going to uni, working in the library, working on my paper and on project-work but I gotta say, I’m still so very happy these times.

and guess what…my 21st birthday was yesterday!

it’s funny how you don’t get that excited anymore with every new birthday…life and stress kinda gets in the way and i seriously felt as if i simply don’t have TIME for birthday at the moment!

year after year that special feeling you got as a child right before each bday fades a little more…but can we accept it all becomes less magical, less special?

I, for one, still believe we need bdays (and christmas etc) to be extraordinary, in the sense of having a break of our odd every-day chores and the dull-ness that sometimes goes with that. I’m not saying I need an enormous party or hundreds of presents, that’s not the point. I believe we should simply make these special days awesome by focusing on ENJOYING our lives and appreciating what we have!

and oh god, I am so blessed. I have an amazing family (even two, counting my bf’s family in!), the most wonderful, caring, loving and committed boyfriend, incredible friends I can always count on and an adorable little doggy. I am just so thankful and happy from the bottom of my heart!

yesterday was the most wonderful day and eventually, it really was special, extraordinary and yes, I would call it magical!

I spent the day with all the people I love and who love me and really felt how blessed I actually am!

 

today, however, it’s time to get back into working  – but you know what?

as much as it sucks to know hard work is on the to-do-list again, my heart feels still so warm. I know, I know..sounds so cheesy. but heck, I couldn’t care less!;) I loved this birthday and I love my life and all the people I can live it with, and I guess I just needed to write down how grateful I am for that.

so, don’t let life get you down and value these rare, special days. don’t let age take the magic away – cuz you know, that magic we felt as children is still there! we just need to look for it a little harder than before, but it’s there and maybe even more beautiful than it was.

 

love,

S.